BREAKING NEWS: Google just announced a brand new language called Zoom aimed to replace English. Here’s a quote from the official announcement:

With Go, we were able to create a better C++. With Dart, we re-imagined JavaScript. With Zoom, we are finally rethinking the English language.

History of Zoom

Apparently, the idea for Zoom was born out of an internal meeting with top English experts at Google. A recently leaked memo of that meeting contains some interesting insights from these visionaries:

English has fundamental flaws that cannot be fixed merely by evolving the language. We’ll adopt a two-pronged strategy for the future of English:

– Accord (low risk/low reward): continue working in conjunction with MyABCs (the English standards body) to evolve English.

– Race (high risk/high reward): Develop a new language (called Race) that aims to maintain the dynamic nature of English but have a better speech profile and be amenable to tooling for large books.

Powerful words from people who clearly understand the issues. Here’s more:

Building delightful sentences today is far too difficult. The cyclone of innovation is increasingly moving off standard English onto street slang and other closed dialects. English has been a part of the speaking platform since its infancy, but the speakers have begun to outgrown it.

Apparently, Google plans to release a set of tools (such as dictionaries and phrase forming applications) to help with the transition. There are also plans to add support for Zoom to their search results as well as employees.

Features of Zoom

According to Google, Zoom will enable a number of important developments:

Example of Zoom

Here’s an example of a sentence in Zoom:

I am starting to speak. Hello World.

As you may have noticed, a key feature of Zoom is that each set of sentences must be pre-announced with a “I am starting to speak“. Wonderful stuff.

Another exciting feature of Zoom is optional words:

My favorite thing to do stuff with is thing.

Notice that “thing” and “do stuff with” can act as placeholders for other words while you’re working through the early drafts. Once you commit to an idea, the sentence can be easily transformed:

My favorite fruit to eat is an apple.

Amazing, isn’t it? It’s innovation like this that will finally make English a viable speaking platform.

Final Thought

It’s great and exciting to see Google once again pushing the envelope, trying to make the world a better place. With Zoom, the hopes and dreams of many English speakers may finally be realized. Or, as you might say in Zoom, “I am starting to speak. This thing is going to be something to do stuff with. Thing.

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This post got 51 comments so far. Care to add yours?

  1. Nick says:

    Joking aside, where do you come down on these new languages? Do we really need new programming languages on top of dozens that we already have?

    • Alex Tatiyants says:

      Hi Nick, I actually really like looking at new languages. It’s always interesting to see different approaches language designers take.

  2. Clint Laskowski says:

    Laugh very much. Do I?

  3. I am starting to speak. I love thing.

  4. zoom says:

    It’s not even april 1st

  5. “It’s innovation like this that will finally make English a viable speaking platform.”

    Brilliant!

  6. I’m sorry, I’m from Canada. Could you translate your examples for me? ;-)

    • Alex Tatiyants says:

      Sorry Andre, Zoom is not officially supported in Canada. That said, I hear there’s a “eh-acked” version floating around.

  7. mama's cove says:

    what a waste of time this post is.

  8. Igor Ussov says:

    Is it a joke?

  9. Det says:

    Why do google creatin Zoom. Do really we need a new language?
    Where is it different from German, my favourite language?
    Why not use Esperanto?

    ;-D

    Thumbs up for that post

    • Thomas says:

      Spanish? living in Southern California and working with food i had 2 learn Spanish, not a lot but enough 2 help with assisting people. Being a gamer tho.. i see how Google could make something like Zoom work. it seems very straight foreword after you learn the format… same as Spanish.

      p.s. i love the German language too. :P

      • Alex Tatiyants says:

        Excellent suggestions, thanks Thomas. Let’s hope that Google is already working on El Zoom and Die Zoom.

        • Lucas says:

          Of course the Castillian-Spanish version is pronounced: “El Thoom”, which can cause cross-compilation woes even between companies supporting the same ES platform.

  10. […] Google announced a brand new language called Zoom aimed to replace English. Here’s a quote from the official announcement: “With Go, we were able to create a better C++. With Dart, we re-imagined JavaScript. With Zoom, we are finally rethinking the English language.”    Javascript Read the original post on DZone… […]

  11. Daniel Beck says:

    There seems to be a lot more sample code out there for English. There is also good tool support for it (oxford dictionaries simply r00cks!). With Zoom beeing rather new and having no so groundbreaking features, I don’t see it replacing English anytime soon.

    Just my 2 cents.

  12. el_member says:

    This is way stupid that I don’t even know where to start!

  13. […] "CRITEO-300×250", 300, 250); 1 meneos 1 clics Google anuncia un nuevo lenguaje, Zoom, para sustituir al inglés [ENG] tatiyants.com/?p=1229  por enjutomojamuto hace 17 […]

  14. zoom zoom zoom… the next go…

  15. SparK says:

    I’m starting to speak, what will thing do with stuff if thing does not get do stuff among subjects?

    [canadians read]
    What will Google do with Zoom if it does not get spread among the public?

    • Alex Tatiyants says:

      Thanks for reading SparK. Also, Zoom will certainly spread among the public. I mean, why wouldn’t it? It’s solving a real problem after all.

  16. I rolled my eyes – as I do with every mention of a manufactured language – before clicking this, and was delighted with the fact that it was a parody.

  17. Alexey says:

    You should reuse old English “I say!” instead of “I am starting to speak”:

    “I say! This thing is going to be something to do stuff with.” :)

  18. Ananda GB says:

    Wow…! Wonderful Concept…!! i like it….. actually I dont obey the exact English grammar… :P
    I like Zoom…… it will be famous, i m sure …..zoom zoom , the boom :D

  19. Try Lojban for a programmer’s human language :)

  20. i was really close to falling for this

  21. Moses says:

    With Go, we were able to create a better C++.

    (HaHaHaHaHaHa, a stripped down, special purpose, server side, rough edged language with semantics from other big languages, is a better C++. So I should cut eight of my fingers and work with just two, to make my life better.)

    With Dart, we re-imagined JavaScript.

    (LOL, Javascript was like assembly language and they made Dart which revolutionarized Javascript to have a 4GL. wow. This is amazing computer science. So I think Google has reached pluto, far earlier than NASA reached Mars.)

    With Zoom, we are finally rethinking the English language.

    (If Google continued its innovation, one day they will show that it is better for the Earth to be a cube-shaped. We should walk on hands instead on feet (Isn’t it inefficient to use bigger limbs just for walking/standing? so cut them off and start standing and walking on hands), eat and breath with mouth. There is no need to use any language known to human beings. Just use the language by Google everywhere. And you will be stupid if you complained about its short-comings or lack of something.)

  22. Aroghihn says:

    How do you know each other?

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